sorry people

i don’t give a frog’s fat ass about how much the cost of awesome blossoms are effing up your finances.

and you know what, i DO have a magic wand and i could wave it around and set the price of awesome blossoms to it’s 1998 prices.

but you can suck it, consumers!

now, maybe you’ve heard of my great-grandfather, T.J. Applebee?

i’m sure you have.

well, as you may already know, he and his close friends, Williams P. Outback and Honus Chili, all were blue-blooded, entrepreneurial americans who decided that they would all start their own lower-mid-price-level, casual-dining, loosely-themed chain restaurants.

and, although they stopped supporting the nazi party once it became unpopular to destroy all the jewish people on earth, they still used that kind of american forward-thinking to get in on the ground floor of a fledgling enterprise and amass their great fortunes!

now, it doesn’t take a D- in economics to know that supply and demand apply to all commodities like–let’s say, gasoline and awesome blossoms. but i didn’t jerk off in a coffin at Dartmouth just so you people could drive to my and my close family friends’ restaurants and spend your middle class pittance on our greasy, heart-disease-inducing appetizers!

so you can SUCK IT, consumers!

oh sure, i could easily, and i mean EEEEEEEEASILY, tap my friend and heir to the Chili’s fortune, Travis Chili, on the shoulder and say, ‘hey dawg, why don’t you just lower your pricing on awesome blossoms and we can come up with a clever tax break incentive or rebate of some sort and then you can keep your record-setting profits and still pay dividends to your shareholders so they can still afford to drive to our chain restaurants and pay for our crappy appetizers with their mere pittance of a paycheck?’

or maybe i could just say, ‘hey bro-ham, let’s come up with a inventive way of not buying foreign onions from people who are ostensibly our named enemies and in the process of doing so, create a a new industry that brings americans together a la the space program circa 1964?’

but fuck that. i’m rich!

WOW! i’m some kind of political satirist now! do they still make bowties? because if they do, i’m gonna learn how to play the piano. maybe not as good as a blind person, but still….

and speaking of blind folks. i’m done with my community service as of last thursday. and if i don’t do something dumb like pee on a cop car or pee in a public place or pee on a cop or kick a cop’s ass and take his gun and shoot him in the leg or hop in a cop car while it’s still running and they’re doing a routine traffic stop and drive the cop car to kileen to buy some moist, brown crystal meth and then maybe smoke some pcp and then have the strength of 10 men and physically beat at least 3 cops down or drive onto the set of an low-rate, yet critically-acclaimed tv series that rhymes with ‘Riday Right Rights’ after allegedly drinking 9 or 10 ‘maker’s and sodas’ until september 4th. then i am GOLDEN!

luv,
Trey Applebee

it is late and i am in branson, misery.

in this days inn hotel room, i am safe.

i am safe and protected.

i am safe and protected specifically from any dried ejaculate or preseminal fluid (is that even a real thing?)

why am i safe?

because only really old people stay in this hotel.

and my sleepy, road-worn mind cannot fathom old people blasting a nut on this comforter right now.

oh dear god, i can and i just did.

ugh.

i think i want a skin transplant

hi folks!

boy, oh boy!

i’m over it.

way over it.

let’s see… i not only missed nine inch nails and kanye last nite, but i missed blues traveler as well!

dang.

but i did get to see the most awesome dude alive: Saul Williams!!

he kicked my ass! both in my earhole (i guess that would be the earholeass) and the proverbial ass of rock. and by rock, i mean ‘rap’. and by ‘rap’ i mean ‘edutainment’ and by ‘edutainment’ i mean ‘i am still not awake yet so i have no idea where this paragraph is going’

anywhore (stolen from dlisted, but i’m keeping it), saul williams was by far the highlight of this trip and eliminated any red points of credibility that blues traveler put on this entire bill.

so, feasibly, you could put a whole crappy bill from the burned-out potheads of the now defunct horde tour, and other crappy bands from the mid 90s like:
black crowes
dave matthews band
del amitri
jars of clay

and have basically a lame ass day where the pot would be constantly causing your short term memory to struggle to remember why you were there in the first place.

but if you put Saul Williams in the middle of that bill, then suddenly, you have an awesome concert!

wow. i really didn’t need to elaborate.

anywhore (again, i know, but i’m gonna wear this one into the ground), love and rockets played and they had their trademarked happyface bumblebees from 1987. neat. all aboard the express kundalini. good job guys. way to keep it current. i think pink floyd is selling their inflatable pink pig, so maybe you can try to ‘trip out’ your audience with some more unnecessary plush toys.

wow!

okay, so this will be the last time i get to hang out in my favorite parisian, jazz-inspired coffeehouse called ’starbucks’. i am really gonna miss the charm of this place. i wish they had something like this in Austin. you know what would be awesome? is if they had like 50 of these in austin, so i could just stop along my route wherever i may be going and plop down and ‘kick out a blog jam’.

‘blog jam’….. hmmmmm…………. i guess i like to ‘jam a blog’ after i ’slam some code’. i’ve been slammin code for quite a few many years now. but i’ve also been jamming blogs too.

okay, back to the lollapalooza. i saw some of iron and wine, and i’m okay with them. i think it’s neat that the singer from the spin doctors has his own new band now. the spin doctors, incidentally, could have been on that dreadful potsmoker’s sleepfest bill i described earlier in this ‘blog jam’.

so now me and the other guys are gonna pile into the prius and drive back home today. i am ready to get back to austin.

i’ve really missed austin.

i guess you could say i’ve developed a bad case of ‘Austism’.

WOW! that is really uncalled for!!

luv,
t

hi folks

once again, i find myself at this quaint, authentic, turn-of-the-century, parisian, jazz-inspired coffee shop called ‘Starbucks’ here in chicago.

i would have to say that this may just be the sleeper highlight of my whole trip!

yesterday i meant to catch does it offend you, yeah? but they were all the way across the park. so i decided to just camp out and watch the ting tings entire set.

it’s a good thing i did, because they played an entire set!

of songs!

their own songs!

then i wandered aimlessly around looking for shade until the queens of the screaming gutter tree twins played.

and then i wanted to take a nap.

so i wandered over to see MGMT. they were funny! ahahahahahahahahaah! they said ‘hi! we’re radiohead!’ ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahah!

that was the highlight of their set!

they played an entire set too.

it was hot, dawg.

rough hot.

ruff hawt.

then i watched some of spank rock.

no broken social scene.

hungry.

today, i’m gonna skip the octopus project because they go on in about an hour and a half.

and i’m not hanging out there for 9 some odd hours.

someone’s gotta suck it, last nite it was wilco (and broken social scene apparently).

today, it’s gonna be the octopus project.

not because they suck (like wilco), not at all.

in fact, they’re pretty amazing and (unlike wilco) i like them!

but i have to make a sacrifice.

and i can see those guys (and gal) in austin anytime.

especially because i like to sit in front of their house for long, extended periods of time.

it’s totally cool, though. i’m in my truck.

wearing a ball gown.

and a tiara.

waiting.

crying.

just a little bit.

and somewhat aroused too.

i know, right?

but only like a semi.

because the hangover from all the inhalants i’ve been huffing has rendered me functionally impotent.

WOW!!!! i can’t believe i’m so honest!

so that’s why i’m not gonna see them today.

that, and because the Travis County Court System issued what is known as an ‘Order of Restraint’ saying i can’t be within 1000 yards of them.

which is kind of rude.

so that’s my update on lollapalooza, folks!

seacrest out!

so today is day 2 of lollapalooza 1995 but day 4 of my trip to chicago

i wonder if such masters as Rembrandt and Chris Isaak sat in this same jazz-inspired coffeehouse back in the early 1920s when they were creating their masturpieces?

because i definitely can feel the magic in the air tonight.

i think i wanna get into a fight today!!

that would be fun!

some toe-to-toe fisticuffs action!

no, i’m a lover not a fighter.

and i LOVED holy fuck yesterday!

they were amazing!

and so was Go! Team!

and then i went back to the hotel room and passed out.

it was hot, dawg.

and then i came back for radiohead, which was kinda like going to a baseball game and sitting way in the back behind the field goal.

but i realized something yesterday amidst all the time travel and hot moby dick action.

i realized i have played shows with 3 of these 120 bands.

hey!

that means i’m important-not-really-important-at-all-and-probably-more-delusional-and-god-i-love-tiddies-and-queso

speaking of tiddies.

we are at a severe deficit in my number of tiddies seen to number of penises seen at this hippie love fest.

it’s zero to one right now. and i’m not happy about this.

……….. or am i???

anyhoo, i’m over the whole festival at this point.

except today i’m gonna see the ting tings and spank rock.

and mgmt.

and broken social scene.

but that’s it.

wilco can suck it.

t

boo yaa

way too much time travel!

we actually went back to the early part of the 1990s as we entered the great state of Misery.

the state of misery is home to half of mcdonald’s golden arches, the st. louis cardinals, and the lowest, per-capita number of even remotely attractive women.

but now i’m in chicago at a parisian jazz-inspired coffeehouse called ’starbucks’

it is named after the hot chick in Charles Darwin’s steamy tale: moby dick

speaking of moby and 1995, he’s playing at lollapalooza too.

but i’m here for what chicago is known best: jazz-inspired coffee houses

who’s that at my door?

oh, it’s 1995! and he wants me to go to back to lollapalooza with him!

except that in the futuristic world of 2008, lollapalooza only happens in 1 city!

and it lasts for 3 whole days!

and it is eerily similar to the Austin City Limits festival!

but, of course, 1995! i will happily go see nine inch nails and rage against the machine with you!

for old time’s sake!

and i will go even though i never really ever listened to much of their music beyond what was played on the radio.

mainly because i never bothered to buy any of their albums…

but look, 1995, i realize you’re a little scared to show up at some festival all by yourself 13 years into the future.

people will be pointing at you, saying ‘hey look! it’s 1995! and he’s all trying to look cool nowadays!’

so you will totally understand if i don’t really hang out with you once we get there.

i will also probably not see nine inch nails or rage against the machine.

i hope you understand.

well, maybe i might see some of rage against the machine.

but not the whole set!

but look on the bright side, 1995, at least you’re still a memory!

you could be like 1978.

or 1866.

nobody gives a fuck about those years.

because they were BORING!

so, 1995, let’s dust off that old sub pop t-shirt, those cut-off levi’s and lace up those black doc martens … and make our way up I35 to chicago!

look

we both know i’m not the most religious guy in the world.

and we also both know that the war on christmas was started by the jews in an effort to make presents more expensive and so that fox news could proliferate.

and we also both know that the female orgasm as well as the vietnam war never happened.

but despite all those crucial talking points, nachos exist.

nature’s most perfect food. so maybe there is a god. and maybe, just maybe, his last name ends with a vowel.

and, just maybe, he likes me. which is why there is:

huh?

here is a picture of a straight, gangster-ass, pumkin squish:

now, it’s probably okay to some degree that i secretly want that dog (pumkin squish) to lightly ‘gum’ that baby’s head.

but what’s probably not okay is the fact that i am fully aroused.

i’m no psycholatrist, so that’s just a guess.